Most of us would acknowledge the value of asking questions as part of a trustworthy and productive conversation, but asking open, honest questions is an art.
It requires the listener to set aside preconceptions and instead tap into a deep and generous care for the other person. In fact, the primary characteristic of a well-crafted open, honest question is that you couldn’t possibly predict the answer. You ask because you genuinely want to know and because you are trying to engage others in order to gain understanding and demonstrate real listening.
An open question leads us to what Einstein referred to as a “holy curiosity.”—Dawna Markova
The purpose of open, honest questions is to take us beyond the typical patterns of conversation to a place of inquiry and discernment. They promote exploration and authenticity, rather than jumping to conclusions or defaulting to our own assumptions. Open, honest questions help other people gain self-awareness and clarity to inform their course of action.
The best questions come out of deep listening. When you’re in a conversation with somebody who’s struggling with something, try to think of it like this: What’s a question I could ask right now that is, to the best of my ability, in service of this other person and what he or she is struggling with?
Ideally, a good question incorporates language that speakers have used, which demonstrates listening but also often encourages deeper exploration of a theme or image they used. Try to pay attention more to the moment, rather than starting to predict the next thing you expect might come up.
I asked leaders to tell me the best open, honest question they ever received. One answer especially stayed with me. Marcy Jackson, co-founder and senior fellow of the Center for Courage & Renewal, said: “One of the questions I have loved and that has stopped me in my tracks is this one: What makes your heart sing? It’s a very simple question. It has pulled me back from my sometimes over-serious nature or trying to think everything through, rather than paying attention to what brings me joy.”
These additional guidelines help ensure that questions are truly open and honest:
- Avoid questions with yes-no or right-wrong answers.
- Make questions brief, straightforward, and to the point. Avoid preludes or rationales that would allow you to insert your own opinions or advice.
- Use the other person’s language to frame questions and avoid injecting your own interpretations or projections. What did you mean when you said you felt sad? This an open, honest question. “Didn’t you also feel angry?” is not.
- Ask questions aimed at helping the person explore his or her concern rather than satisfying your own curiosity.
When we learn how to listen more deeply to others, we can listen more deeply to ourselves.
Q: How have open, honest questions influenced your thinking or decisions? You can leave a comment by clicking here.
Shelly L. Francis has been the marketing and communications director at the Center for Courage & Renewal since mid-2012. Before coming to the Center, Shelly directed trade 
marketing and publicity for multi-media publisher Sounds True, Inc. Her career has spanned international program management, web design, corporate communications, trade journals, and software manuals.
The common thread throughout her career has been bringing to light best-kept secrets — technology, services, resources, ideas — while bringing people together to facilitate collective impact and good work. Her latest book, The Courage Way: Leading and Living with Integrity identifies key ingredients needed to cultivate courage in personal and professional aspects of life.
Photo by Cody Davis on Unsplash
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