The masks we wear

“You look familiar!” In 2020, this became the silent message I read in people’s eyes when I was out and about. Considering the look in their eyes, I seemed to convey a similar message back to them. Then it clicked!

Since the COVID-19 broad-sided us, facial masks took over our faces. Our smiles are obscured, voices muffled and frowns protected. I had to add more meaning to words to verbalize what my facial expressions couldn’t communicate.

As I strive to protect myself from the deadly virus, this experience has helped me uncover another virus affecting me. I have carried it for decades without clear awareness of the damage it has wrecked in me. Fortunately, it is reversible, but will take a lot of work and courage to overcome.

And the awareness came by way of a mastermind led by Dan Newby and hosted by Factor10 Consulting. We were exploring emotion-centered coaching and how it can be interwoven into our coaching practice. What started off as a learning process quickly morphed into a personal coaching session for me. Without warning, an emotion woke up from a ‘slumber’ deep within me… FEAR!

Awareness

To help us appreciate the power of emotion-centered coaching, the facilitator conducted a live coaching simulation with a volunteer participant. A few minutes into the simulation, I was hooked! It felt like he was coaching me and not the volunteer.

The simulation brought to the fore a thought that I have feared to deal with all my life. A crippling thought that I am illegitimate. So crippling is that feeling that my potential has been like a bird with its wings clipped. I know how high I am capable of flying. However, I am still pecking at dirt on the ground!

Isn’t that why we hide, why we strive, why we control, why we do anything but offer beauty? We are afraid.” ~ John Eldredge

The feeling of illegitimacy was birthed by a series of traumatic experiences in my child to teenage years. Some people who I looked up to continued to reinforce this ‘illegitimacy’ through their words and actions. It felt like a slow, progressive attempt at killing my spirit and emptying my soul.

Fortunately, I still harbored an I-can-do-it attitude. However, challenges along the way would cause the feeling to rear its ugly head over and over. I would take weeks to recover, like taking one step forward and three steps backwards.

There are two kinds of pain in this world. Pain that hurts. Pain that alters.” ~ Denzel Washington in ‘The Equalizer’

Back to the emotion-centered coaching simulation. I started to look at this fear that had become my shadow in a different light. Being in a safe space where I could deal with that torturous emotion, I could now clearly define my fear. My mask of being strong and resilient came off. I became fully aware of how that mask has crippled my potential.

Emotional literacy

The emotion-centered coaching provided me with my four steps to emotional literacy:

1. Notice

I was able to notice my feelings in a new way. It was in the sensations in my body, in my thoughts and how I listen to them.

2. Name

As mentioned above, I now had a real name to the emotion that held me captive. Putting a name to that feeling was one of the most refreshing experiences in my life.

3. Know

This is the path to be intimate with my story, impulses and purpose. It is to have a destination that I work towards.

4. Navigate

Proactively develop a path, action and accountability to become a better me. I must deal with my demons if I am to live fully.

Opportunity

Towards the end of the mastermind, I experienced a light-bulb moment: “I am legitimate!” It was like part of a heavy, concrete weight fell off my shoulders! I feel liberated to look at time, happiness, family, resources, enthusiasm, business and structure in my own way.

Here is a resource to bring another perspective on how masks affect us: Being an Authentic Leader with Michael Brody-Waite.

Q: To lead yourself and others better, what mask must you shed off? You can leave a comment by clicking here.